The Parent Trap

Back after a long break. I was very busy with the book, editing, etc. The book is finally out but I am not going to blog about that here, as I rather like this little semi-private web journal where I can write about other things than the book or about my other writing. My friends and family know whose blog this is, anyway. And my literary blog (under construction) has a life of its own.

Anyway, Indian Homemaker, a blog I read regularly, had a post about parenting and setting limits on grown children. The comments section is a lively give-and-take about parenting in the west and in India, the need to let go of adult children and to set limits with them when they do share space. Below is the comment that I initially set out to write. I will post there too, but I thought I would post here too, since these are my observations, too. Here is what I wrote:
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Sometimes, in cross-cultural comparisons, we end up comparing apples to oranges. I need to blog about this at length but for starters, here's a couple of things that strike me as baseline differences so fundamental that we don't pay attention to it - money/housing and a safety-net. I'm not saying that Indian families are not controlling or manipulative but we do need to consider the material context of Indian lives too. In western cultures, not so long ago, grandparents lived with grown children and their offspring because there used to be no safety-net, no old age pension, etc. Once that was put in place, began the celebration of the great "nuclear family" and "individual freedom."  I don't see this in India at all at the present, despite some advances. The only social stratum that can afford to do all this is the wealthier section of society and even here most people cling to the clan/family for all sorts of reasons, given the precariousness of public networks,

From the kids' perspective, western countries (especially the US, to which this article refers) have a housing surplus situation. It is relatively EASY for youngsters to find a safe apartment in a half-way decent neighborhood and move out. How many Indian parents would tolerate their children having to set up independent living in unsafe conditions with unreliable security? In India, where rent can eat up a substantial amount of income, youngsters have no option but to stick it out in the parental nest. Also, rentals are not standardized as they are in the US. So, for example, how many Indian landlords are required to provide a stove and a refrigerator in even the humblest apartment? And what guarantee is there that the tenant won't simply rip those out and take it with them? Buying a house or building a house needs saving for a long, long time. Until housing becomes more affordable and available, most Indian children do tend to linger at home unless they have a government job with government housing or a job that allows one the financial wherewithal to live apart.

Finally, the emotional part. I find both approaches strangely lacking in emotional warmth and empathy. The way that Indian parents detach from their daughters is weird and cruel enough. I know someone whose own parents refused to come and attend to her during a medical crisis because she was her in-laws' problem after marriage. Unthinkable to feel that way to one's own flesh-and-blood! Similarly, in western cultures, how does suddenly turn and tell one's own children that as soon as they reach 16/18 whatever, they are OUT! It's cruel, cold, and I would bet that creates all sorts of emotional issues between parents and children, even if the children need not fear for their material survival as they do in India. Grown children might claim in later years that it was the best thing for their parents to have done to them, but this is rather like middle-aged Indians looking back with nostalgia on the caning they received from their school teachers as having been good for them. One does not need to be cruel to build character  - or independence. Or, indeed, to set boundaries.